day 173 - what would have been...

june 21st is one of those dates - one of those dates that always feels like should be a day of celebration.  of course it feels that way because for the first 29 years of my life it was...

today would have been my parents 37th anniversary.  even as i write this tears fill my eyes in the memory of what once was.  divorce is hard - and my perspective is only from one of the children.  i can't begin to imagine what it feels like for those walking through life in the midst of a broken relationship.  i don't pretend to know or understand all the reasons why divorce happens or what events took place even in my own family to break up my parents.  what i do know.....


... i love my mom and dad

... i know my mom and dad love me

... divorce sucks

... forgiveness is bigger than divorce


... love is bigger than divorce


... God is bigger than divorce


... family is still family no matter what

most of all i have learned about God's grace and how all things can be for His glory - even divorce.  no, i do not believe God's perfect plan includes divorce - but divorce was not too big a issue for God to handle either.  i have a beautiful loving step mother in a loving, committed, God centered relationship with my dad.  i have a mom who i was able to re-build a wonderful relationship with and live near for four years.  my kids know and have beautiful relationships with each of their grand-parents.  good, dare i even say - amazing, things have come out of my parents divorce.

pain is pain - which is why tears come easy - however, knowing the story is bigger and that it is nowhere close to finished is exciting.  i can't wait to see how Gods redemptive story in my family will continue to be revealed in all of us.

day 172 - Summer Solstice

tonight we had the pleasure of having dave's cousin chris over from wisconsin.  we LOVE having friends, family, basically anybody over at our house - but tonight was so special having chris over.  we had a fabulous dinner (courtesy of my fab hubby), a bike ride to the beach to watch the sunset and then a bonfire in the back yard (the first of this season!).

lilly was the only one of the kids to join us out at the beach.  the boys had a friend over and stayed back with nagel to get in a few more games of halo.  in my personal opinion they totally missed out :)

lilly, the one who is ALWAYS up for an adventure, joined us adults out to the lake.  tonight was one of those reminders of what a beautiful area in the world we live.

Day 171 - more tryouts

another night of tryouts.  tonight it's lilly's turn.  she doesn't seem the least bit nervous and is WAY more excited to be able to hang out with her friends.  lilly is a hard worker and a good athlete.  i have a feeling she will make the team - especially considering her dad is the head coach :)

Day 170 - tryouts

yes - the soccer season JUST ended and we are already at try-outs for the upcoming season.  i volunteer with the club and so it once again is a family affair as i am helping with registration and dave is running tryouts for both lilly and lukes teams (fingers crossed that they make it!)

tonight is actually lukes tryout.  he is trying out for the U11 boys team.  we have no idea how everything will fall into place and i am amazed at how nervous i am over it :)

i reminded luke to do his best and that no matter what the outcome was - we are proud of him.  although i know it's necessary - it's tough putting your kid in situations where they are "trying out" and being evaluated.  the mom side of me feels like they are too young - the realistic side of me thinks it's good for them.  good luck luke!!

169 - fathers day love

dave joined us up at the cottage this evening just in time to celebrate the remainder of fathers day with those who love him the most - me and the kids!!  

we've missed our daddy over the last 10 days - we were all so happy to have him home.  there were lots of hugs, kisses and giggling.

dave questioned if he was really the "king of the house" - hmmmm i'm ok with him taking the title of king as long as he remembers who is actually in charge :)

we were able to celebrate with my dad too on this beautiful day.  he took the kids tubing and spent the majority of the evening fishing with lilly off the dock.  we love you dad.....this much......!!! the only papa missing was our papa bob.  we love all of you so much.

day 168 - boating fun

the kids and i had a blast today with our friends on their boat.  we froze our booty's in lake michigan - but still had a blast jumping in the lake.  the kids jumped about a hundred more times once we were in mona lake.  sooooo much fun!!!

thank you brunworths for a wonderful afternoon!!

Day 167 - summer

whoa!  there's nothing like a good old pool party to make it feel like summer is officially here.  in celebration of our girls soccer team we partied it up with the team and parents.  i am so thankful for all the people we have met and the new friendships for both dave and i as well as for our kids.  it is one of the many reasons why i love living in a smaller community.

if i may boast on my husband for a minute :: dave has done an amazing job coaching the girls.  he never ceases to impress me at how well he can communicate and relate to kids.  his energy level and patience seems endless at times.  i am so thankful our kids have him as role model and that he loves sharing his passion for soccer with them!

day 166 - silly times at dinner

we cracked up around the dinner table tonight as lilly tried and tried to get her hands to move the way she wanted them for the picture.  in the end she finally figured it out.  love the silly things that can happen around the dinner table!

luke left this afternoon to spend a long weekend one on one with his papa michael and susan.  he is sooooo excited for the special attention.  i am so thankful my dad had the idea and i can't wait to hear all about the fun things they will do together over the next few days!

day 165 - school's out for summer!

yeah, we blasted some old school alice cooper in the car today in honor of the kids last day of school.  caleb said it best when he looked at me and said, "mom - i can't believe how fast this year went!  it feels like we just started the school year."  what is even more difficult for me to fathom is the fact that caleb will be in 7th grade, luke in 5th and lilly in 4th.  WOW - how fast it all goes.

we are super excited for a fun summer.  we have lots of fun things planned including hanging out at the beach, playing with friends, going to camp and naperville....the list could go on and on. the kids can hardly wait!

day 164 - forgiveness & grace

if yesterday was a big day of disappointment then today was a big day of forgiveness and grace.  it's hard to even compare the days because of how drastically different they were in how we all got along, the conversations we shared and the grace i watched being shared between my kids.  we actually sat at dinner for almost an hour after our meal was done sharing funny stories and laughing.  although yesterday was no fun at all - today was a blast.  i can't help but wonder if today would have been possible if we hadn't gone through the pains of yesterday....

i am so blessed by my kids and so thankful for our sweet family.  we are all missing daddy and are counting down the minutes till he comes home!!

day 163 - disappointment

as a kid I can remember how hearing the words, "I'm disappointed in you" or "I'm not mad, just disappointed" would cut me to my core. I'm not sure how old I was or even the many circumstances that may have invoked such a response. Oh yeah, maybe I remember a few :) but I remember the pit in my stomach for sure when I knew I had done the wrong thing.

Tonight my kids really disappointed me. As I said those words to them I knew immediately they each understood the severity of what I was saying and each expressed their remorse in their own way. Tears were shed, "I'm sorry's" we're spoken and hugs and "I love you's" were dispersed after what felt like an eternity of emotions.

Feeling such deep disappointment is hard - especially as a parent. It's hard not to feel like you are ultimately responsible for your child's poor choices as they are a direct reflection of you, right? As I have pondered this thought over the course of the evening I couldn't help but wonder what disappointment looks like to God. Is he disappointed in me? In my poor choices? In my lack of faith or trust? In my disobedience? The list could go on and on.... Once the kids go to bed I want to look in scripture and see what the bible says about it. What are your thoughts?

Side note :: happy birthday Jesse! I love you!!

Day 162 - family

today the kids and i drove into grand rapids to celebrate with my family and my cousin morgan.  it's hard to believe but my little cousin has graduated from high school.  i couldn't help but remember that the year she was born was the same year i graduated from high school - YIKES!  she is a beautiful young women (yes, i just said "young women" - i am so getting old).  she has the most contagious smile and i can't wait to see what happens next - congrats morgan!!

the other fun part about family get-togethers is my family.  i have to say, i think my family is about the funniest group of people i know.  and i ADORE being one of them.  we love to laugh, poke fun, tell funny stories, laugh, hug, be serious, and LAUGH!  it was a huge surprise to walk into the backyard and see my uncle bernard (my grandpa's youngest brother) and his wife shirley at the party - i almost cried.  i forget how much i miss my grandpa harry and seeing his brother's smile reminded me of how much i love and miss him.

Day 161 - last soccer game of the season

so proud of our boys and their undefeated season.  they have all worked so hard this season and we have all had a blast watching them grow in their skill sets and friendships.

Day 160 - beach fun

we decided to head over to the beach this afternoon. it was a beautiful day but super windy and chilly at the beach. yes, we still laughed and played hard! afterwards we headed over to max and marleys for some great hot dogs and more laughter.

Day 159 - expander free

After three years Luke's expander was taken out this afternoon. At one point he actually said he wished it could be put back in, because that would feel normal. He loves having it out and keeps clucking his tongue. Funny kid.

In other news Lilly learned she needed to get an expander. She is a bit nervous. Not so much about the expander but the reality that she will be forced to stop sucking her fingers. She looked up at me at one point and said, "it's just going to be really hard". It reminded both Dave and I how our baby girl is growing up.

Day 158 - importance of playing

over the last couple of days we have found ourselves playing more.  there is something so comforting about play.  i realized tonight as i was kissing the kids good night how important the act of play is for our family, health and just plain well being.  conversations, laughter, togetherness all happen in the midst of playing.  this week has been a difficult week with lots of processing, hugging, praying and playing as our family along with so many others are coping with the loss of a precious little boy and the experiences surrounding the tragedy.  dave and i both in the midst of so much grief, heartache and doubt have experienced humanity at it's best - as we have watched a community come together to support the family, children and parents.

day 157 - keeping a promise

gotta love a night of promised gaga ball and four square....

Day 156 - holding tight

After an emotional day all Luke kept wanting to do was hold his daddy's hand.

Day 155 - good-bye hugs

our mimi and papa came into town this weekend. we were able to enjoy soccer games, dinner out, cook-out, game night and so much more together. we always love having family in town. thank you bob and shar for all you did with us the weekend (including fixing the mailbox and fence!!) we love you!! although saying good-bye is always our least favorite part of our time together.  it's nice to know we will all be together soon.

Day 153 - family game night

Tonight we taught mimi and papa how to play settlers of catan. Luke was in all his glory having us all participating in the game - he was so excited he had a hard time just sitting in his seat and playing. We had to put the game on hold half way through because it was getting late - here's to more board game fun tomorrow!!!! (I'm really trying to be excited about it :) fortunately its not monopoly!)